When the Silence is Broken – I Miss the Glimpse
Here is an excerpt given with permission of a patients journal while here for treatment. A very powerful message.
I hold on to the stereotype.
I hold on to the fairy tale.
I hold on to what was sought to be the norm.
But not every case is the same.
I have tried to find anywhere else to place the blame.
It finds its way back to pin itself on me with a feeling of shame.
I miss my daddy.
I dislike my dad.
I hate my father.
More times than not I wonder why I bother.
You seem to want a part that you don’t tend to play.
You don’t stick to the script.
You are determined to always get your way.
You don’t care who you hurt.
You don’t care who you defend.
Your way or the highway, period, the end.
I just want you to listen.
I just want you to hear me.
I just want you to look at me and see me; who you think I should be.
I want you to love me for more than just blood.
If blood is the reason I must induce this hell, cut me open, bleed me dry, then step back and watch the flood.
You keep making mistakes that you will not own up too.
You’re running out of excuses.
All your truths fall through.
Your facts are not fact.
You’re truths are not true.
The only person you listen to is you.
Is it a symptom of the symptom?
Has the alcohol made you deaf to every voice, but the on in your head?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
What appears in the mirror in front of you?
What happened to you?
I know you think you’re right, but where do you find your validation?
Are you really so self-absorbed that even fact is wrong if it conflicts?
I can see that light will most likely never click.
You hold your pride above your children’s well-being.
You would rather let us die, than be caught in a lie.
Do you ever question yourself?
Is there anywhere you look for advice?
Do you know what it means to think twice?
Do you care?
Or is that too much consideration for you to spare?
I wrote something before that I think might apply to you now.
So I need you to listen, though I am not sure you know how.
You don’t know what you are talking about.
You just drown to my rage.
Reading all those mindless things, can’t you see my world is just a stage?
Auditions are my life and death raping is my crime. T
ears are my weakness.
I keep a monster locked inside.
The meds just set the monster free.
They turn gold into blue.
You tell me you love me.
I wish I could believe your statement to be true.
Being around you is a waste of time.
You don’t really care.
You want to pretend as if I am not really there.
I hold my hand out for a friend, I look for yours, but you act as if your arm cannot extend.
I finally realized that on this my happiness does not depend.
This realization does not change the way I feel.
I crave this love, affection and attention; like a lion craves his next meal.
I’ve done all I can do to stop short of asking the devil to make me a deal.
I resent you to no avail; it gets harder and harder to breath.
I can take in air with no hope to exhale.
All I want from you is to admit you failed.